I haven't had a chance to post for awhile but I have to get this out of my head and onto some form of written word while I still remember it as vividly as I do. There was an entry in this blog where I had detailed a vision that I had experienced in which I was linked to the death of numerous trees at my college campus. Not too long after graduating, while looking for a full-time job and sending my resumes out to any posting I felt within my capabilities to manage, I had an another one and this time on a bright and sunny day sitting in my Chevy Cavalier waiting for my baby brother to get out of his elementary school.
It was April 2001 and I believe it was during the time of Easter or Lent. I'm not too familiar with Christian holidays but I do remember that I had to force myself to go to the public library afterward to return some books before they became overdue and witnessed quite a few people walking around with black ash on their foreheads. In some weird vein of my mind, I feel that it was Ash Wednesday when I had this dire vision and in some part of my brain I feel it was on April 11th, which in that year fell to a Friday (I think). In any case, it started off like any other peaceful meditation session for I felt like keeping my mind still, and yet, occupied, while I waited for school to release.
My mind was quiet and at rest while I focused on my breath and took in all of the sounds of the world around me. Though the windows were up and I was parked in a nice shady spot, meditation always had that affect on me that I could hear sounds much louder and clearer if I just stopped, waited quietly and listened. The calm soon was shattered as in my mind's eye, I saw our then president, Mr. George W. Bush, standing in front of the Senate and giving a speech. I could not hear anything from the speech but it seemed to be that he was asking Congress to pass a bill or policy. It's a bit on the blurry side now for I remember originally I heard parts of what he was saying and it was as if I was watching C-SPAN and it was being televised for all to hear. Yet, I also remember that it was almost as if there was a spotlight on just him and, though, you could tell there were other important people sitting in the room, you could not see their faces.
The attention was completely focused on him and it was something that was said or enacted into law (or policy) that day that caused an international reaction. The reaction came from Muslim fundamentalists based out somewhere near Iraq or Saudi Arabia and the next thing that my mind's eye saw was a terrorist attack in 5 different states. It was the Twin Towers in New York, the Pentagon and the White House in Washington, DC, the spaceship-looking tower in Seattle, the Arc in St. Louis. and the Sears tower in Chicago. The attacks left us all devastated and it left all of us extremely, extremely angry. To my horror, what followed after the attacks was much, much worse and it was the start of World War III. A nuclear war that took billions of lives. I shuddered and snapped out of my vision, trembling. I was shaking so much that I didn't realize that at that same time the school bell had also rung and students were starting to come out. Back then, I was the official carpooler (Is that even a word?) for my brother, his friend and two of the girls that lived in our neighborhood and they all went to the same school. Compartmentalizing that vision, or trying to as much as I could for I had to safely drive these 4 children home, I made sure they buckled up and we drove back home.
Those days, while in the midst of finding employment, my ability to meditate and the visions that I used to have used to be very strong and focused and I had become so sensitive at times to my surroundings that others could tell when something was wrong. My quiet demeanor didn't go unnoticed with my brother who was about ten at the time for he was used to me snapping at him and his friends to calm down so we could get home in peace. Needless to say, I had other things on my mind. My youngest sister noticed it immediately as well when she came home from her junior high. I think what probably tipped her off was that I was watching C-SPAN when I got home and channel surfing all of the news channels to see if by any sheer coincidence the President was going to be speaking to the Senate that day. I was desperate at that point to find some sort of validation for what I had just experienced. For those that know me, know that I never watch the news. Never ever. So, coming home to seeing your big sister watching C-SPAN when you know she hates anything news-related was a definite sign that something was wrong.
It was probably a good 10-15 minutes, I think, of me channel-surfing for news that both of them decided to find out what was wrong. Looking at the concern on their faces, for I think I probably scared them (they'd never seen me like this before) I decided to tell them everything that had happened during my meditation session in the car. I remember us talking it out and saying to them that it's not like I can call 911 and tell them that there's a terrorist threat when I have no idea of when it's going to happen or who is involved. I'd sound like a crazy person and so the three of us decided it best for me not to say anything. I couldn't find anything in the news relating to what I had just envisioned and so we all went on with our day and I went to the public library to return the books.
For the next couple of days it was a lingering feeling that something bad is going to happen. Something terribly bad and that I should tell somebody of authority about it. That was one side of my brain. The other side warned about being locked up in a psych. ward for being thought crazy and so I kept this to myself and shared it only with just those few that were close enough to me to understand that this is not something that I'd ever make up. Days passed into weeks into months and then September 11th happened. Everything from the vision came rushing back but in my vision it had been so, so, so much worse. To this day I wonder if the reason I was given that vision was because it happened on my birthday. Did I tap into something, unexplainable; that somehow linked me to an event that had not yet occurred? Seeing a vision of the future, but it was only because it had a much deeper connection to the date it would occur on and that maybe I happened to trip into seeing that vision by sheer accident due to the date? The thought of this has baffled me still to this day and a part of my mind then scolds me and says "Why couldn't you figure this out back then? Why couldn't you figure it out and then have done something about it back in April when it would've been useful?".
Useful? I run that scenario in my head as well. I call 911 and tell them that there will be an attack on us and it will lead to WW III and that it'll happen on my birthday of that year. The operator will probably be gentle and take down my name and address and then call the mental hospital to come pick me up for a full psych. eval. That same part of my brain thinks "Yeah, as much as I valued the lives that were lost and wished I could've prevented it, I think I value my sanity a whole lot more".
In truth, I lacked the conviction back then to follow through with and support my vision in order to help others. I still lack that conviction today, almost 15 years after that horrific day, and it is probably why I cannot bring myself to meditate in silence anymore. Keeping my mind busy. Keeping it jumbled and forever trying to solve puzzles related to work or home. Keeping it involved with so many tasks that are without real purpose or meaning that the visions stopped coming altogether.
A witch would see this as me turning my back on myself. On my true self and the higher enlightened version of humanity that I could be. Of me running away from myself and the possibility of what I could do and those I could help. Unfortunately, my spirituality has succumbed to my rational\ logical mind where providing myself with a stable future and retirement out-weigh the instability that my visions would bring to my life and to the world as a whole.
Well, now it's out there and off my mind. Off from gnawing away at me one minuscule bite at a time. The experience, the vision, is out there in cyber-land and you all (the readers) can judge for yourselves if my inability to act was right or wrong.
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